Today I'm Going to Kick Some Butt!

So recently I've been having some trouble getting myself to school and doing all of my work. I know I am a better student than this, but I've let myself fall behind.
So today is the I change that. I am going to stop lagging and making excuses to get away from homework. I am going to just bury myself in my work. These are my last semesters of school and I want to make it worth something. I want to graduate happy, not regretful.
My senior project is a lot of work since I have to read a bunch of books and then write these two page reflections on the books, but I know I can do it.  I really wish I had a study buddy though; someone who was very work oriented and kept me in line. It seems that all the people I know are just as bad as I am.
I think I need to meet some new people, better students and then do like a study group thing with them. If I can pick up their good study habits, then I think I might be okay.

Also, I wanted to tell you that there is this guy I met at dogpark, he seems really nice but I can tell he has a lot of dependency issues and is somewhat lazy. He's not what I want to be around. Also, he's not really what I'm into. I keep getting guys that I don't like, and then whoever I do like doesn't like me. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places, but whatever. Anyways, I feel bad for this guy. I have no problem being his friend, but I can't date a guy like him. I've already told him that I'm not into dating or relationships right now, which is true, but I still feel bad for turning him down. I know that he was really hoping this was going somewhere.
I really am just over the whole love business. I've come to a point where I don't like being close to people, and I think that's a wall I've built up to keep away from people, but right now I don't enjoy being close to anyone and anyone who tries to be close to me just makes me want to ignore them.
I think I have a lot of work to do on myself at some point to learn how to be close to people again, but right now I'm happy being alone; it's simple and quiet. I don't want to have to talk to anyone every day or see anyone every day. Life is very good as it is right now.

Anyways, I hope you're doing well. Talk to you soon.

Today

Nothing significant had happened to me today, but I feel like it is good day. I think I'm going to work on my mask that I am making for Halloween, hopefully I'll finish it.
I hope everything is going well on your end. How's work going and such?
Hugs.

Interview Jitters

So toady i have an interview for a nanny position and i am super nervous. I'm not sure why im so nervous i have nanny-ed before and it is really just picking up her daughter from school and dropping her off at the YMCA and then on Tues, Thurs, and Fridays i have to watch her from 6-8. I just really want this job because i don't want to be behind on any of our stuff we are doing so good and now i need a job so we can still be great lol.

Other than that, that is all i have going on today but ill keep you posted on other things as they come up lol 

love you .

He Who Must Not Be Named 2

I Don't think you were rambling so I think you're okay. Haha.
It is very possible that he was not my person, he is probably with his person and I'm just being silly.
The only reason I think he could have been my person was because of what we had, and how he is at the bottom of everything. Clearing away all the smoke in my head and really getting down to the bottom and finding out it's him feels like it should mean something to me. Granted, as human beings, we are programmed to search for meaning in things, I still want to believe there is meaning.
Why after all this time, do I still feel this way?
I think there is probably some great reason as to why he is still in my head, but for now I am just going to let him be there. And maybe he'll go away, if I'm lucky. Like I said, there's nothing I can do about it now. It's a storm and I just have to learn how to dance in the rain. I know things will get better, I'm just not working hard enough. I guess I can say I'm still a little smoky, and I may have some more clearing to do, but we'll find out when that comes.

I guess if there's anything you could do for me, it would be to just find out how he's doing. Just to make sure he's doing well. I feel it inappropriate to talk to him at this time. It eases my pain and makes me feel happy, when I know that he is happy.

I know i have told you that there is one person for everyone and you just date the bad ones to find that one person that is your soul mate. I know you might not want to here it but i don't think he was your person. You will know when you find your person. I am very excited that you are going to work on just you. I want dont you to think about it and we may never know if he was the one but i think that if he was the one you would of known it. You just don't get to lose that one person. You both will know when you are the right people. Sorry im sure im just rambling now.

I want you to know that i am very proud of you. I know you are going threw a lot and that trying to figure out what to do with how you feel is hard but i don't want you to push it away. I know it is makes you sad or it is painful. But trying to push it way is in my head is more painful.

I love you and i think i am rambling so ill let you have this one and let me know if there is anything i can do.

He Who Must Not Be Named

So I'm not going to name any names here, but you'll know who I'm talking about.
If I start talking about someone else, then I'll change the title, but as long as we're talking about him, that's going to be the title.

So now that I've talked about it, I've put more thought in to it. And it's really made me think, what if he was my person? What if that was my one chance to be with my perso, and, some how, it all got screwed up and I missed it?
To this day, I look back on everything I had with him and I can't I still feel as happy about those memories as the day I made them. It really saddens me, because either I missed my chance with my person, or I'll find someone who I can have those same feelings with and then those feelings with feel less genuine and I will feel like what I had with him was not as special as I thought it was. It's a big lose-lose.
But what am I supposed to do right? It's not like I can do anything about it. He's happier than a pig in a junkyard and I'm miserable, and I'm not going ruin a good thing for him, because I am selfish and I want to be happy too. He's had a lot of psycho girlfriends, and she seems to be the only one who's really right for him. Granted they are a little reckless at times, they are perfect for each other. And I'm not going to ever go on a whim that he might be my person and ruin what he has with her.
I really want to focus on myself, i really want to learn how to be happy without a guy, so when I am with a guy i can truly appreciate him for who he is and not weigh him down with all my baggage. I hate it when people do that. But it's really hard for me to think of myself, when thoughts of him keep popping up and it's just one big, fat reminder of how pathetically alone I am. And how he left to go be happy.
All this sadness and confusion is really messing with me too. I can't function very well when I'm sad, and I'm trying to not be as sad so I don't suck at life so much, but fighting in only makes it worse and trying to accept it for what it is, is just as painful.
I wish there was some magical way that I could find out if he was my person, so I can either realize that I'm just a desperate lonely girl, or right that I found my person.
I'm going to continue to go about my life, and I'm not going to affect who I am  and I'm going to really try to focus on myself and being happy alone. I just feel like I'm walking around with a boulder in my gut and it sucks.