March 11, 2020

I've always felt that there are some people out in world that give me a very specific vibe. I mean, I'm one of those weird people that believes in vibes, and so I get vibes from everyone. I believe these vibes are normal for everyone, although not everyone choose to refer to them as "vibes". Regardless of word choice, what I call "vibes" is the feeling we get about who a person is and how they feel about me, and these feelings are based on that person's body language, tone, and vernacular type stuff. It is very rare that when I meet a new person that they are immediately and completely honest and upfront about who they are or how they feel about me upon our first interaction, so it is natural for me, and any other human, to pick up on the "vibes" of a person in an attempt to decipher that person's character. 

Now, the certain vibe I referred to in the beginning of this rant is different from the usual feelings that would contribute to my first-impression of an individual. This specific experience is more akin to a powerful invisible force, like a subatomic wave crashing into the atmosphere when they walk into a room. When they first appear in my doorway, there is a shift in the some cosmic balance, probably just my cosmic balance though, unless there is someone else in the room who also picks up the force, but telekinetic abilities begin at feeling vibes and end just before knowing in anyone else in the room is thinking the same thing. 

Anyways, there is a person I know, a male person. I state his gender because I feel this may play into the vibe he gave me as a female who has had questionable encounters with men, but I will talk about that later. Ever since the first day I laid eyes on him, I sensed a great storm of vibes, and this storm continues every time I encounter him. There is an intense ferocity in his eyes, in the way he watches me, with an alarming level of purpose in his stillness. Just to be clear, none of these feelings are good. I don't not want anyone reading this to believe that the feeling present here are the beginning of some harlequin romance. 

He makes me feel like I am a fish being watched by a bear. We are both in the water. I, the fish, floating and gliding about the water gracefully, attempting to go about my usual fishy business. The bear is standing still in the water, watching the fish with danger focus, moving nothing but his eyes with every movement of the fish. The fish meets the eyes of the bear on occasion, but the fish does not mind. The water is calm and that seems to pacify the fish into acquiescence of the bear's presence. But the bear's eyes seem to know something is brewing is brewing underneath the surface, and it is waiting for the right moment to make a move. What sort of move that is, no one knows yet. The fish can only go about what is it supposed to be doing and hope the bear finds no opportunity to meet its agenda.

At this point, you may be wondering, "Chloe, if this man makes you feels so uncomfortable, why don't you just avoid him?". If only that were so simple.

See, the situation in which I must meet with this man is through work. I am a teacher and he, a student. Therefore, it is a difficult situation to avoid. I could attempt explaining to my supervisor that this person gives me the wrong vibe, but what if that damages his relationship with other faculty? What if it ruins his chance for success in our program? What if I am wrong about my vibe? I have heard no complaints about him from anyone else, and does that mean everyone else thinks he is harmless, or are they too afraid to speak up for the same reasons I have not spoken up? 

Going back to his gender, I must consider that my vibe is biased because he is male. I am sometimes nervous around all my male students, especially those who are older than I am (I teach adults). I am always afraid that in our moments alone, they may try to attempt something inappropriate. In today's world, I sometimes feel less safe, especially since I have heard men on social media argue for the abuse and discrimination of women. Any one of my male students could be one of these individuals. My room is at the end of the hall, away from many of the other rooms. How loud would I have to be before someone heard me?

So am I crazy? Maybe. It is common than women doubt their own feelings about the way men treat them because they have been brainwashed on some level by the normalcy of sexism in our society. I could be doing just that right now. But there is something in his eyes. The way he watches me like prey, like he is sitting in the grass, waiting for a cue to pounce. He moves his eyes without moving any other part of his body, often with a half-smirk half-smile, like he knows something I don't, like he is waiting. It makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. It makes me feel small and defenseless. It makes feel less human. And I don't know how to remedy it.